


Sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper, et in saecula sæculorum

by topkyungsoo, xiaolianhua



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Alternate Universe - Religious, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, First Time, Inaccurate description of a monks life, M/M, Monks, Period Typical Attitudes, Religious Content, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:47:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28644705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/topkyungsoo/pseuds/topkyungsoo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiaolianhua/pseuds/xiaolianhua
Summary: Sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper, et in saecula sæculorum = As it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever (Adoremus in Aeternum)Baekhyun is raised at the Chertsey Abbey from a young child. The life of a monk is all he knows. He has heard the stories and has heard the sighs of pleasure inside the monastery walls but he never had the urge to sin. Not, until a traveling monk called Kyungsoo comes to their monastery and stays over the harsh winter.[ Top!soo fest round 4: Historical AU ]
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Do Kyungsoo | D.O
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56
Collections: top!soo fest: round 4 (2020-2021)





	Sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper, et in saecula sæculorum

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I hope you're doing fine, it's been a hard year but we still need to be cautious! We can do this together! 
> 
> This story includes heavy religious imaginary and if you are uncomfortable with that, I'd suggest you to skip this story. 
> 
> I have tried my best to be as historically correct with this as possible BUT it is a fictional story. The Chertsey Abbey is an actual medieval monastery in Surrey, UK, now in ruins. The floor plan is not accurate, I drew it based on the general layouts of medieval Benedictine monasteries.

**Some BG music for your enjoyment:[Saint Benedict Chants](https://youtu.be/mtDUrkhWrKA)**

**Glossary:**

_ Cloister: Open area surrounded by covered walkway, connects the offices, rooms and the church _

_ Frater: Common room where monks gathered to eat and talk about the day plan _

_ Infirmary: A room to treat the sick _

_ Oblate: A person who is specifically dedicated to God or to God's service but not yet a monk _

_ Castor: A monk leading the choir at the service _

_ Abbot: The leading monk in the monastery _

_ Matins: The service recited at 2 am _

_ Vigils: The service recited at 6 am  _

_ Sext: The service recited at 12 pm _

_ Nones: The service recited at 3 pm _

_ Vespers: The service recited before dark (4 - 5pm) _

_ Compline: The last of the day service recited before retiring at 8 pm _

_ Penance: repentance of sins _

_ Self-flagellation: the disciplinary and devotional practice of flogging oneself with whips or other instruments that inflict pain. _

* * *

Baekhyun sighs at the sound of the bells calling the Brothers for the Matins. The night room is dark as he pulls on his black tunic and fastens it with a cord. Half awake, he stumbles out of his room into the corridor that is already filled with others as they all walk silently down the stairs to the Abbey. His eyes meet Kyungsoo’s in the dark and a tiny smile flashes over his lips before he can school his expression to that of a devotion. Their time here is running out. 

✞✞✞

Baekhyun can’t remember time before the monastery. The Abbot told him that he’d been left here as a baby as his mother had been unable to take care of him. He grew up running through the corridors and causing trouble until he understood the rules of the convent and that there was a bodily punishment in the convent for that under the watchful eye of the Almighty. 

An oblate, that’s what they had called him until he reached the age of 15 and became a novice. He would train under the monks and learn new things. He learned how to grow vegetables and herbs and care for them, learned how to brew beer and wine, helped in the infirmary and copied the manuscripts. He attended all of the six services together with the other novices and monks.

At the age of 23, Baekhyun had discovered what his calling was: to become a Cantor and lead the choir at the ceremonies in the magnificent Abbey. It had been then that he had recited the three vows which would guide his life from then on: the vow of poverty, the vow of chastity, and the vow of obedience. He finally had become a monk.

He had been 26 when he’d found out that the vow of chastity was the hardest of the vows to keep.

Growing up in the monastery, of course he had seen things. Things that were not meant for a small boy's eyes, things that confused a teenager more than gave answers. He had witnessed monks leaving the monastery to meet someone outside the walls. He’d witnessed monks at the back of the workshops, behind the locked doors of warehouses, slipping in another monk’s bedchambers in the dark of the night between Compline and the Matin. He had heard the muffled cries, the reverberating sounds of skin meeting skin or of rope meeting skin.

Until now, it had all been easy to ignore, easy to keep away from the Brothers, them being more of a family to him than anything else. Then a wandering monk had come to their monastery. A young man, just a year younger than himself, wearing an old robe and carrying a small bag of necessities and a mattress to sleep. The newcomer had asked for a place to sleep and for some help to treat his wounded feet. 

The new monk went by the name of Kyungsoo. He was the fourth son of a powerful family in the north and had been sent to the St. Mary’s Abbey in York to learn and live in safety. When he’d turned 25, he’d struggled with faith and embarked on a journey to find it again. After months of walking from monastery to monastery, he’d at last arrived here at Chertsey Abbey in Surrey.

Kyungsoo seemed to find his faith in the modest monastery and had moved from the guest house to the dormitory a month later, after receiving permission from the Abbot.

Baekhyun would have never guessed how much the traveling monk would test his faith and vows.

✞✞✞

The Matins are always the hardest for Baekhyun to stay concentrated and listen to the word. He has to fight against the need to close his eyes and suppress the yawns threating to come out by clenching his teeth hard as his hand curls up in a fist to press his nails in the soft skin of his palm. The pain helps him to stay awake even if finding the devotion is a difficult task tonight.

The hour flies past fast enough and he’s shuffling back upstairs into his bed chamber. The exact moment his head hits the straw pillow he’s ready to fall asleep again. There are only a few hours of sleep to catch before the Vigils.

A creak and some quiet steps inform Baekhyun about a visitor, before he hears the door creak again as it is pushed close. He’s privileged to have the privacy of his own room and Kyungsoo likes to take advantage of it.

The other monk takes another few steps towards the bed in silence, kneeling down on the floor beside it. Baekhyun waits in place for the warm hand to touch his thigh over the undergown he wears to bed. The touch comes a minute in and Baekhyun still flinches, even if he’s been waiting for it.

They have to be quiet, the stone walls don’t suppress any sounds. Baekhyun’s voice is barely a whisper as he speaks, “Kyungsoo… What are you doing here?”

“I need a taste of you,” Kyungsoo murmurs, his hand cupping Baekhyun’s already growing length through the thin fabric. “I’m starving, it’s been so long.”

Baekhyun muffles a moan. It really had been weeks since they had had a chance to enjoy themselves. “Please,” he whispers, moving the thin sheet away before reaching down to help Kyungsoo on the bed.

But the other does not budge. Kyungsoo stays kneeling on the hard stone floor and helps Baekhyun to sit up, legs on the floor bracketing the feet of the other monk.

The cracks in the wooden door provide enough light for Baekhyun to make out Kyungsoo’s features. He brings a hand up to Kyungsoo’s head. His tonsure feels soft under his palm whereas the top prickles with little stubbles against his fingertips.

Baekhyun watches Kyungsoo brace himself and feels him tug the gown to the side to reach for his cock. Kyungsoo licks over the tip before he slides his mouth down along the hard flesh, making Baekhyun bite back a moan. He tightens his fingers against the man’s tonsure as he licks and sucks his throbbing cock. 

It’s quick. Quicker than Baekhyun would have liked as he cums immediately just after a few minutes inside Kyungsoo’s warm mouth, breathing a satisfied sigh. The view is what pushes him over the edge, along with the knowledge that Kyungsoo is kneeling right where he kneels and _prays_ every night before laying down to sleep.

Kyungsoo swallows and pulls back. His voice is husky and sinful as he whispers, “See you tonight at the baths after Vesper.”

He’s gone before Baekhyun can comprehend the words.

✟✞✞

The church bell rings before sunrise and Baekhyun drags his tired body upright. Lighting a candle, he washes his face with water in a small bowl situated in his room. He pats his face dry as the events from a few hours ago come back to his mind. Turning to look at the spot where Kyungsoo knelt, swallowing his offering without a question, he feels a shudder rippling his body. Hurriedly, he recites a quick prayer before slipping into his tunic and leaving for the Vigils.

He is required to be there before the others and learn how the Cantor prepares for the most important service of the day. It’s a lot longer than the Matins, lasting well up to an hour. Baekhyun stands closest to the Cantor but still together with the other monks, chanting and praying for the people, for the Abbey, and for the Brothers.

It is easy to avoid Kyungsoo in the mass and Baekhyun chooses to stay back in the church when the rest start their daily tasks. He talks to the Cantor, learns more of the tunes and of the holy chants before rushing to the task he is assigned for today.

Baekhyun pulls up the hood of his cloak as he steps out of the church and hurries along the cloister. The autumn is just around the corner and the chill in the wind makes him shiver. He nods a silent greeting towards some of the brothers as he dashes along the corridor to the brewery.

Opening the door he smells the sweet malt and hops brewing in the tanks. The brewery is the monastery’s pride and joy. Their beer and sweet apple wine is well known in the town and the townsmen line up to buy it when it’s the time. There’s some herbal ointment brewing, too, but it’s for the Brothers to use. And Baekhyun doesn’t know much about it, it’s the infirmarian who works on the medicines with the herbalists.

Baekhyun shrugs off his cloak and hangs it by the door. He takes his spot near the big kettle and dumps the barley in to wash it thoroughly. The sweet smell makes him smile as he works silently along the other monks. He washes and drains the barley before collecting the herbs to season the beer with.

There’s a well in the garden and Baekhyun takes buckets along as he hurries through the mills into the garden. The manual labor from lifting the water keeps him warm enough in the chilly air. He concentrates on the task even when the door opens from the kitchens and a monk steps out. They’re not to speak during the day and Baekhyun finds it easier to stay quiet if he doesn’t see the other man.

He pours the cold water into a bucket and stops in place after raising the buckets up. Kyungsoo is standing in front of him, face blank and eyes wide. Baekhyun notices a movement in his peripheral vision – right hand stroking left hand’s forefinger. Milk, I want milk, that’s what it usually means, but judging from the way Kyungsoo’s lips spread into a smirk, Baekhyun can guess what the other monk means with the gesture. 

Baekhyun blushes and quickly walks away from Kyungsoo without sparing him another look. He thanks the Lord that the temperature is so different between the brewery and the outdoors, so that to anyone else his red cheeks would be an implication of just that and not from a fellow monk’s indecent gestures.

The water is poured into the big kettle where Baekhyun boils the grains, slowly mixing it as he adds some juniper for a taste and the wild yeast they have growing in a cupboard. With the help from a Brother they pour the brew through a cloth and hang it up to drip while they attend the Sext.

The Sext is held at noon and it is a rather short event. It is one that Baekhyun can practice as a Castor. Baekhyun recites a prayer as he changes his tunic into one of a Castor’s. He’s nervous. It’s not the first time he’s the one to lead a choir, but under the eyes of God and in front of the Brothers in the Abbey he always feels so vulnerable. Just one mistake in the tune or the lyrics and it is as if he had made a grave sin against the Lord.

Baekhyun warms his vocal chords with a quick practice before nodding at the Castor and they walk together to stand in the middle of the Abbey. The monk brothers are already gathered together forming a semi circle, holding the books with the chants. Baekhyun takes one, too, although the Castor should know everything by heart. He’s nervous, he’s not a true Castor yet, he needs the support from the heavy book in his hands to ground him as he chants. Baekhyun looks for the signal from the Castor and begins the first chant - Attende Domine - and the brothers join him after the first few lines.

_ Attende Domine, et miserere, quia peccavimus tibi. _

_ Attende Domine, et miserere, quia peccavimus tibi. _

_ Ad te Rex summe, _

_ omnium Redemptor, _

_ oculos nostros _

_ sublevamus flentes: _

_ exaudi, Christe, _

_ supplicantum preces. _

From the first note on, he forgets the Abbey, the Brothers, and Kyungsoo. Baekhyun lets the words flow through him, bringing peace and serenity at their wage as he sings them. The voices ring clear in the high hall, resonating perfectly in the vast space. Different tunes all mixed up together in a beautiful prayer for the Almighty God.

A few more carefully selected hymns and the Brothers rush out to continue their daily tasks. Baekhyun takes the afternoon to pray and recite. He soon finds out that there’s just too much in his mind to be able to truly concentrate on the meditation. He leaves the Abbey, shivering as he walks along the cloister and up the stairs at the end to the dormitory. It is empty at this time of the day and Baekhyun hurries past the open rooms towards his secluded one at the end of the corridor, near the church.

Closing the door behind him he eases out of the cloak and the tunic before reaching for the rope hanging on a hook at the wall. Self-flagellation isn’t something he does often. He knows there are Brothers who do it more regularly, as penance for their sins. He looks at the ropes in his hand as he kneels on the floor, right where he usually prays, right on the spot where Kyungsoo sucked him off.

His slim fingers toy with the knots, imagining the pain they inflict as they hit his back. But is there really a need for penance when he has done no sin? Not actively, when he just let Kyungsoo do as he pleased. The memories make his cock twitch in his underpants and Baekhyun bites down hard on his lip.

The burning passion, the need, is there even with only the memory of Kyungsoo’s plump lips around his cock. Just thinking sex is a sin, Baekhyun reminds himself. He has sinned. Not a grave sin, but he has sinned. He is doing sin as he can’t stop thinking about what happened in the deep of the night. It is not a grave sin, but his heart is still heavy, so Baekhyun lifts his hand and brings the knotted rope down onto his back.

Releasing a breath, he hits himself again and again. It stings, but it doesn’t hurt and he knows he doesn’t draw blood.  _ Thinking  _ is not a grave sin, after all.

In the silence of his room, Baekhyun prays for strength in faith, for strength to withstand the temptation, and for strength to keep celibacy.

✟✞✞

The water is warm when Baekhyun sinks into it after the Vespers. He is one of the last monks to bathe – not by choice, but for the fact his fellow Brothers had him engaged in a conversation about new ways to spice the wine this year. Maybe adding some elderberries would be great? Or gooseberry, how about that? 

Baekhyun is actually glad the dinner ran late, as there’s only a novice monk there with him when he steps into a cubicle and pulls a vanity curtain closed behind him. Kyungsoo left early from the dinner and should be back in the chambers already, to get ready for the Compline. 

With that thought in mind, Baekhyun lets his eyes close, relaxing in the warmth. The red marks on his back tingle when the water hits them, making him remember their existence and the reason once more. 

“Taken,” he says when he hears the curtain being pulled aside and opens his eyes to see Kyungsoo stepping inside. Baekhyun wants to hiss, wants to tell him off, but he’s afraid that others would hear so he stays mum and only stares. 

“We’re the only ones here,” Kyungsoo says easily, pushing the drapes closed. 

“What are you doing? Go away,” Baekhyun hisses, stuck in the bath and covering his privates with a hand underwater. “Baths are private time for monks.” 

Kyungsoo smirks and swiftly lifts his cloak off, hanging it on the nail next to Baekhyun’s. “I haven’t bathed and this is the only one with warm water left. Brothers share when in need, don’t we, Baekhyun?”

It’s infuriating how the other monk knows all the ways to make Baekhyun surrender. As a devoted Brother, he has no other choice than to accept and share the warm bath. He could stop and leave the bath all for the other but he’s been here barely for five minutes himself. 

The tub is one of the bigger ones. Baekhyun chose it so that he can keep his legs mostly straight as he sinks in the water. Now he regrets the choice as Kyungsoo is climbing into it, his sizable cock right in front of Baekhyun’s eyes before he sits down and lets out a low groan of pleasure. 

It cuts straight into Baekhyun’s consciousness. He hugs his now bent legs close, trying to ignore the other to the best he can. He already has been weak today, once. He’d been weakened in the middle of the night, he will not be weak again. 

The bell rings twice, so it’s half an hour left until the Compline that they can’t miss. It’s the last sermon of the day, a quick reminder and a moment to clear one’s mind to get a rejuvenating sleep. Half an hour. Baekhyun can make it if he concentrates on something other than the glistening soft skin and the toes teasing the back of his thighs. 

“We have to go soon,” Baekhyun says. His voice is slightly strained and he knows Kyungsoo notices it when the other smiles and looks pointedly his way. 

“You got lucky tonight.” 

Baekhyun doesn’t understand it, how the monk’s voice drops even lower, how it vibrates in the still, humid air of the bathhouse. The welts in his back tingle when he shifts to get up, a reminder of the sinful events. “Never again, Kyungsoo. Do not test my faith.”

✟✞✞

Surprisingly, Baekhyun finds solace in the appleyard. Kyungsoo hasn’t advanced for a few weeks and the apples and berries are ripe for picking. He spends days in the apple garden outside the walls of the monastery. The wind is harsher these days and his hands hurt, but he continues to work. The novice monk left earlier, wheeling a load of apples towards the brewery.

Baekhyun hums a hymn under his breath as he works under the gray skies. It looks like it’s going to rain any moment now.

When the first fat drops finally land, he gathers the fruits in a large basket and rushes towards the small shed on the site holding tools. It is on the other end of the garden and his top cloak is soaked by the time he reaches it.

The shed is not empty. In the middle of unused buckets and rakes sits Kyungsoo, sipping wine from a tankard.

“W-what are you doing here?” Baekhyun gasps and the basket shakes when he startles, sending a few apples rolling down the floor.

“I wanted to see you, of course,” Kyungsoo says and reaches for one of the runaway apples to take a large bite out of it. The juices drip from the side of his mouth and Baekhyun swallows when his eyes catch it.

Baekhyun resists the urge to roll his eyes and hesitantly sits down next to the monk. He could use some of his body heat. His soaked garment is getting cold but he can’t take it off either. He would be left with just the thinner summer wear and underwear, not suitable in the autumn chill.

“Don’t you have work to do elsewhere?”

“I finished it and volunteered to come here to help you.” Kyungsoo shrugs and tosses the finished apple aside.

There’s not a hint of a lie in Kyungsoo’s tone or words. Baekhyun can’t really say that he’s not pleased to have some company while waiting for the rain to thin out either. “Well, thank you,” he says softer than before, huddling into himself as the wind whistles in the cracks between the wooden walls.

“You should really take off the cloak, you’ll get sick,” Kyungsoo says after a moment of silence, his large eyes fixated on Baekhyun’s huddled figure. 

Baekhyun shakes his head, “I’ll freeze without. It’s still okay in here without the wind. The wool is warm, even when wet, you should know that, Kyungsoo.” 

Kyungsoo looks at him for a moment before saying, “I was hoping for another kind of warmth.” As he speaks, he fishes a little bottle of oil from the sleeve of his robe, “My body flushes hot every time I think of you in the baths or laying on your bed. Hot enough to keep you warm.” 

The wind howls and Baekhyun shivers. He’s not sure if it’s from the wind or from the words the other monk just told him so openly. He glances at the door and finds it clasped closed. Kyungsoo must have done it when he wasn’t looking. 

A warm shiver runs through his body, a pleasant memory from the nights spent together. Sexual desire is a sin. Baekhyun’s mind reminds him again, but his body acts against it, reacting to the low voice and temptation that is Kyungsoo. 

When he looks up, Kyungsoo is much closer than before. His large, expressive eyes are soft and dark as he waits for Baekhyun’s answer. A warm hand comes to cup his cheek and Baekhyun leans into it subconsciously, seeking warmth and closeness. 

Baekhyun nods once, not trusting his voice as Kyungsoo moves even closer. He shuts his eyes when Kyungsoo’s soft lips press against his chapped ones. It’s familiar when it shouldn’t be. It’s a sin, but one so sweet that he can’t resist. 

Baekhyun kisses back gently. Kyungsoo tastes like the wine he’s had and of apples as their tongues entwine between their mouths. It’s a heady combination and an easy one to fall for. It’s easy to forget what sin is. 

Kyungsoo tugs on the wet cloak as he retreats. The movements are still slow enough for Baekhyun to stop him. But Baekhyun doesn’t really want to stop anymore so he helps the other monk to lift up the garment and toss it aside. 

Warm hands are now on Baekhyun’s sides, heat seeping through the thin layers of cotton. Baekhyun sighs and pulls Kyungsoo closer, tasting him again in a deep kiss. 

Clothes are shed to the floor before Kyungsoo arranges them in a soft pile to lay on. Baekhyun can’t help but smile at the scene in front of him, who knew the other monk could be so caring? 

Baekhyun lays down on the clothes and bites his lip, a little tormented. They’ve never before gotten this far. He’s worried and scared. It’s a sin, so will God punish them? It’s a sin, but why is his cock so hard against his abdomen; from mere kissing and a few strokes by Kyungsoo’s big hands? 

“We don’t have to do this,” Kyungsoo says as he picks up the oil and gently eases Baekhyun’s legs apart before kneeling in between them. “I can just suck you off.” 

For a moment, Baekhyun really thinks about saying no and accepting the blowjob. It’s familiar and it feels good, but his body wants more. He has heard stories, he has heard the cries of pleasure around the monastery. It makes him curious and he decides that this is his leap of faith. With a smile he reaches for Kyungsoo’s hand and squeezes it tightly, “I want this. I really do, but I’m scared.” 

“That’s okay,” Kyungsoo says and runs his free hand soothingly over Baekhyun’s bent leg. “I’ll be as gentle as I can.” 

Baekhyun nods and sits up, kissing Kyungsoo hard. He pours in all the feelings he has into it – fear, trust, lust -- love? 

The finger feels weird against his rim. Baekhyun jerks away with a gasp before braces himself with a few deep breaths. Kyungsoo is still holding his hand and watching him closely, so closely that his mere attention makes Baekhyun blush. 

It stings a little when Kyungsoo pushes inside, but mostly it just feels weird. Baekhyun sighs and shifts about, forcing Kyungsoo to move their clasped hands on his hip to hold him down. The digit moves in and out easily after a while and Baekhyun can feel it bend inside, stretching him. It still doesn’t hurt and he tells it to the other quietly, afraid that someone else will hear them. 

Kyungsoo hums and leans over often to kiss Baekhyun while working him open. One, two, three digits stretching him. 

Baekhyun’s erection has waned some time ago, and he wonders what’s so great with this when all he feels is a dull pain. He pulls Kyungsoo into a kiss again just to break it off with a gasp when there’s a sudden spark of pleasure. It ebbs away and suddenly comes back when Kyungsoo moves his fingers inside, and it leaves Baekhyun’s body all tingly.

“W-what...” 

“That’s why men love this,” Kyungsoo says and lets go of Baekhyun’s hand to stroke his flaccid length. The dual sensation has Baekhyun gasping and moaning in no time, growing hard again in his calloused hand. 

Baekhyun lies pliant on the pile of clothes when Kyungsoo slicks himself with the oil. The wind is still whistling through the cracks in the walls and the rain is hammering against the planks. But Baekhyun doesn’t really register any of that when Kyungsoo moves closer and the tip of his cock nestles against his puffy rim. 

With final permission, Kyungsoo presses in slowly. He pauses just after the tip is in and kisses Baekhyun hard to distract him from the pain. 

Baekhyun’s nails dig into Kyungsoo’s shoulders at the intrusion. It’s too much, and his walls are clamping around the thickness, almost to push him back out. But Kyungsoo rocks in place gently, back and forth, until Baekhyun’s walls give in a little more and he slides in deeper. 

It still hurts, but Kyungsoo’s lips are distracting and the pain is subdued when the other starts to move slowly. 

Kyungsoo pecks Baekhyun’s lips before kneeling up and taking a hold on his legs. The angle changes everything and Baekhyun moans. The tingly feeling is back. His body feels hot all over as Kyungsoo moves into him again and again. 

✟✟✞

Baekhyun stares at the knotted rope hanging on his wall. It has been a week since the events in the shed during that rainy autumn day. Not a night has passed since without him thinking about it. Kyungsoo was so careful, he was gentle and Baekhyun admits to himself that he has never known a pleasure as strong as he’d felt it during that time. But he’s still not sure how to go on. He can’t deny that it isn’t a sin, not anymore. Not when he writhed from pleasure and almost cursed the God’s name in vain at the peak of it. 

He has purposely avoided the other monk during the whole week. Kyungsoo seems to have guessed what was going on and has let Baekhyun have his privacy, until tonight. 

Just as Baekhyun is reaching for the knotted rope for some self discipline, Kyungsoo steps inside his room and pushes the door closed behind him. 

“You’re avoiding me, but I can’t stay away from you any longer,” Kyungsoo whispers, looking at Baekhyun’s face in the flickering light of the candles. 

“Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun gasps, letting his hand drop from the rope and quickly turning around to face the back wall. He’s not ready for this. He can’t accept the words coming from the other man. He’s not… 

Kyungsoo stands near the door, giving Baekhyun his own space. He can see the dark lines through the thin undershirt Baekhyun is wearing when the material stretches over his slumped shoulders. “You shouldn’t hurt yourself. Not like this.” He speaks softly and Baekhyun knows that if he would turn around, Kyungsoo’s gaze would be too soft for him to withstand. 

“I’ve given you time to think. I have not approached you until today. If you don’t want to continue, I will go to the Abbot tomorrow and will leave within a week. There’s another monastery just a week’s trekking away. I can reach it before the winter truly arrives. I have overstayed my stay here anyways. I should have left after a month, but you caught my eye. I stayed because I wanted to get to know you better, even under the strict monastery rules. There’s something different I feel whenever I am with you, whenever I think of you. After our time in the shed, I realized something. I know it is a sin, I know it is on many levels, but when is caring and loving someone really a sin and a bad thing that one should be punished for?” 

Baekhyun bites down on his lip as he tries to stifle the sobs. He knows it doesn’t work too well when his breath hiccups and he clasps a hand over his mouth to mute the sounds. This is too much. He has been ignoring his own feelings for so long. He’s been taught to ignore them, dull them, and cast them away so that the feelings won’t disturb his devotion to God. 

It is all he has ever known. He has vowed the Benedictine vows - the vow of poverty, the vow of chastity, and the vow of obedience. Baekhyun knows he already has broken two vows which makes him a lost cause in the eyes of the almighty God. He has truly failed as a monk. 

Another sob racks through his body and soon he feels a hesitant hand on his trembling shoulder. He doesn’t have the power or will to push it away. Instead, he leans into the sturdy, warm chest behind his back even if he knows he shouldn’t. 

“You just need to tell me, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo whispers, holding the other monk close, “Just say it and I will leave. I can’t watch how you hurt yourself, how you suffer daily, torn between your faith and desires.” 

Baekhyun knows he should tell him to leave. He knows and he tries to, but the words are not coming past his tongue. His thoughts are a mess, his body is warm and safe in Kyungsoo’s arms. He allows himself to forget everything and when the lump in his throat dissolves and his lips work again, the words spilling out don’t surprise him as much as they probably should. “Don’t go.” 

“I’ll stay,” Kyungsoo murmurs after a long moment of silence. He’s still holding Baekhyun from behind and he tiptoes a little to press a kiss on his shaven head. 

✟✟✟

Baekhyun’s tired eyes meet Kyungsoo’s in the dark of the hallway as they hurry to the Matins. The monks are silent as they ascend the steps to the church. In the dark, a brush of fingers against another hand is lost in the shadows. A fleeting touch, fingers curling around his own before releasing as Kyungsoo steps away from Baekhyun to take his place in the semicircle to pray. 

It’s not easy to hide the affection that grows inside Baekhyun’s chest. It’s not easy to forget the sins or the vows he oathed. He had never planned to leave the monastery but the thought has been brewing in his mind for months now. Spring is coming. Kyungsoo’s path will take him to the next monastery and Baekhyun finds it easy to ask permission from the Abbot to leave with him when Easter has passed. 

The Abbot grants him the permission when Baekhyun says he wishes to learn more chants, to become a better Castor. The Abbot lets him go after Baekhyun promises to come back to them. Will it be another broken promise, just like the vows he has spoken years ago? 

Baekhyun leaves the door ajar when he returns from the Matins and Kyungsoo is quick to slip inside after all the monks have shuffled past the room. What once felt like a grave sin now fills him with warmth and peace. He sighs against Kyungsoo’s lips and pulls his body closer. He doesn’t dare to say it, nor even really think about it, but right here, in Kyungsoo’s arms, it feels like the Heaven they believe awaits them after death. 


End file.
